HUMOR

Funny Stuff
Finds Web pages with jokes, humor columns and parodies of famous sites.

"Amen!!!"

A preacher was trying to sell his horse.
A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.

"Before you start" the preacher said, "you should know that this horse responds only to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen."

So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop.

Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."

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The Bride Wore White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

____________________________________________ ______

Snow Emergency in the Far North

Harry and Marcia were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared" the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Harry says "Heck, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

Two weeks later they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Again Harry says "Heck, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

A few days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the. . .." and just then the electric power goes off and Harry doesn't hear the rest of the instructions.

He turns to Marcia and says "Heck, what am I going to do now, Marcia?"
And Marcia replies "Aw, Harry, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"

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Philosophy of Life. Children's Division.

Never trust a dog to watch your food. --Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. -- Matthew, Age 12.

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. --Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.--Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. --Stephanie, Age 8

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.--Carrol, Age 9

Don't flush the toilet when you're dad's in the shower. -- Lamar, Age 10

Don't ever be too full for dessert. --Kelly, Age 10

Never bug a pregnant Mom. --Nicholas, Age 11

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. --Heather, Age 16

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working. --Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. --Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone. --Alyesha, Age 13

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your Mom told you to do. --Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. - -Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. --Chelsey, Age 7

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. -- Phillip, Age 13

The hardest thing in the fight for life is to learn what you're fighting for. --Sami Lin

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Courtroom Testimony.

1. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between mileposts 498 and 500.

7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

11. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it 'til the next morning?

12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

15. Q: Did he kill you?

16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

20. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

22 Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

24. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

25. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

26. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

28 Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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In-Laws

------- The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men were rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away. ____________________________________________________________

Actual News Item

* Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two $16 bills.

* The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

* A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

* A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few days later he went with his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His girlfriend needed him, so she had him paged by the bailiff. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

* When two service station employees in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

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Believe It Or Not

The US Standard railroad gauge (the distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and US railroads were originally designed and built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that measurement?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons.

Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
If they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads.

Why did they break?
Because that was the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.

And the ruts?
The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.

Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike.

And thus, we have the answer to the original question.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right.

Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

There's an interesting extension to this story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds.

The Space Shuttle has two booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. And the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is only slightly wider than the railroad track.

So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of two horse's asses!

The Driver

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had
won $5,000 dollars in the seat belt competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger
seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

Then the guy in the back seat said, "I knew we wouldn't get
far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice
said, "Are we over the border yet?"

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. GO FIGURE!

If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me--they
were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?

Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office?
What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't
they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to
leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will
choose your nursing home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.

- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley
installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity;
if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

- If you have trouble getting your children's
attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once
did to educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will
come when they'll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- One child is often not enough, but two children
can be far too many.

- You can learn many things from children... like
how much patience you have.

- A baby usually wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize
that teachers are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that
the volume knob also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself<
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood
to keep the television set going.

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

1. 'Ome is where you 'ang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. The http://www.joker.org is on you.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach
him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder
it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth
is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two
entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes
from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to
a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it
thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is,
but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over
and put it back into your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his
employees about an urgent problem with one of the main
computers. He dialed the employees home phone number
and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first
ring, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk
to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".
"Yes.", whispered the small voice. May I talk with
him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the
small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk
with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would
be left home alone, the boss decided he would just
leave a message with the person who should be there
watching over the child. "Is there any one there
besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes",
whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the
policeman?". "No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy
and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what
sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the
phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-
copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going
on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed
whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little
frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still
whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from
time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered
for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the
Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the
Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that
the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What
did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get
lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

MIND GAMES PETS PLAY WITH HUMANS

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal! When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularily well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make THEM go and chase it once in a while.

8 Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears.)

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Are You Dogged by Arful Biting Wit?

 
New Dog Breeds:
 
 Pointer + Setter
       Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
 
 Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
       Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
 
 Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
       Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
 
 Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
       Peekasso, an abstract dog
 
 Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
       Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
 
 Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
       Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
 
 Newfoundland + Basset Hound
       Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
 
 Terrier + Bulldog
       Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
 
 Bloodhound + Labrador
       Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
 
 Malamute + Pointer
       Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
 
 Collie + Malamute
       Commute, a dog that travels to work
 
 Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller
       Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
 
 Deerhouse + Terrier
        Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
 
 Bull Terrier + Shitzu
       Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
 
 Kuvasz + Golden Retriever
       Kuvasz Gold . . . . . . . . . . . . .
 
What IS Kuvasz, do you get this last one?  EYE don't.
 
The Difference between Cats and Dogs:
 
     Dogs look at their owners, and say:  "Hmmm . . . they feed me, and
     shelter me, and take care of me . . . THEY MUST BE GOD!!!!!!!!!!"
 
     Cats look at their owners, and say:  "Hmmm . . . they feed me, and
     shelter me, and take care of me . . . I MUST BE GOD!!!!!!!!"
 
A Few Groaners
 
Groaners indeed.
 
Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum blownapart.
 
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became famously
known as Dogless Fairbanks.
 
Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman Barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
 
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
 
Q: Why did the maharishi refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.
 
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food
seafood restaurant in London?  One was the fish friar, the other was the
chip monk.
 
A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who
used very foul language.  As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist
finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.
Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
 

Originally developed August 19, 1997 by Del Reickord.